• Constantina Stamou

Why Are We Tolerating What We Are Tolerating?

Updated: Nov 13


Have been thinking recently about why we are tolerating behaviour that really makes us unhappy, such as being mistreated.


It is an interesting question, perhaps at times you might have asked yourself the same, and generally the answer that circulates out there and for years now is that it ties to low self-esteem.


Yet no matter how many times I have heard this answer, it still feels there is something missing, and that the answer doesn't fully reflect the inner workings which lead to such tolerance. I am not disputing that low self-esteem might be contributing, but it might not be the only answer.


So I would like to highlight today that some of the reasons we tolerate what makes us unhappy, (referring to being mistreated, insulted, disrespected, and staying with people who are not supporting us and are undermining us) are that:

  • we might not be aware of the fact that we are tolerating such behaviour

  • we might have difficulty recognising what is normal behaviour and behaviour we are tolerating

  • we might have not yet made the distinction that if there is something that we have to tolerate, then it is not healthy or good for us

  • we might not be aware of the fact that we can choose not to tolerate it

  • we might have conflicting beliefs around this

  • we might not be aware of the fact that if we choose not to tolerate it, we are still fine and we are not loosing anything from who we are, in fact, quite the opposite, we are gaining in resilience

  • we might feel we are challenged by the thoughts of the future without what we are tolerating

  • we might not be aware of what skills we might need to be able to not tolerate it and deal with the future

  • we might not know how to build those skills

  • we might have not yet understood fully the long-term consequences in our life and in the people who are close to us of spending time with people whose behaviour is making us unhappy

  • we might feel it is very challenging to stay grounded while we choose to not accept mistreatment.

Can we come up with more reasons why one might be tolerating behaviour it would be good not to?


Yes, I am sure, as certain as I am thinking that looking under the surface, under terms like low self-esteem and low confidence which are passive static general umbrella terms, we can find out why specifically we, people, behave the way we do, and then consciously, actively, and proactively choose to do something about it.


So if you have recently found yourself in this space, maybe you can give yourself a break, as there could be any or even all of those things happening at the same time that are keeping you tolerating situations you don't like.


But I hope that reading the above would also spark your interest and curiosity in wondering what you could do to put yourself on the driving seat when you are ready and choose a different daily experience for your present and future days, and all the people around you that are important to you.



If you or someone you know is in a relationship that is affecting the way they see themselves and are generally not very happy but are looking for ways to change their circumstances, I offer a FREE 45min Clarity Session to help create clarity, a plan of action, and offer my personalised support. The best way to connect is by sending me a direct message via constantina@thelantern.uk or signing up directly via http://TheLantern.as.me/relationships 

Constantina Stamou

Constantina Stamou is a certified Life & Relationship Coach, has trained with the Robbins-Madanes coaching school and Strategic Intervention, is an NLP Master Practitioner, has attended Tony Robbins’ Business Mastery, and has a PhD in how we change the way we put sentences together as we grow older. Her work experience includes university tutoring, charity research, and entrepreneurship which has so far translated into the TNT Dance Salsa Club in London, her Reformer Pilates Studio at Kensington Olympia, London, and The Lantern.

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